There are only a handful of stores in Evanston worth browsing, much less worth manhandling your credit card. Urban Outfitters straddles that fine line—while there are a few cute items here and there, it’s also a pit trap of impulse buys and cute-because-it’s-ugly trinkets. We know, it’s hard to stay in line with reality when you’ve got extra cash. That’s why this week The Lip decided to pick the crème de la crap of the UO stockpile to help you avoid looking like you think you’re a hipster. Now just get rid of those ugly glasses (Rivers Cuomo can rock them because he’s talented).
Faux Fur Muffler, $28
It’s one of those things you pick up because, logistically, it makes sense; it’s cold enough to wear it, and it’s quirky enough to keep you looking interesting. But lest we forget, the key word is: faux. And how real this word is. I believe the last women who wore something like this rode in carriages on cobblestone and had dowries. Unless you plan on going home to needlepoint a sampler, I would skip it.
‘Where the Wild Things Are’ tee, $28
Buying one of these shirts is like watching Fox News—it’s complete free-market neo-con bullshit, but you’re going to support it anyway because dammit, you actually like it. This also highlights an important aspect of UO, which is that it’s overpriced. $28 isn’t bad for a t-shirt if it can be justified (like, it comes with pants) but the reality is, they up the price to make it more covetable—everybody wants it, but not everyone can have it. And how much of a tool is that model?
Silence & Noise Embellished Menswear Dress, $78
This dress really exemplifies how I view most things that Urban Outfitters churns out:
1. The embellishment is interesting, but too easy and distracting, to the point where you can only wear this dress once a month because it seems like you wear it all the time.
2. The embellishment is so close to pairing well with the fabric, but doesn’t quite make it.
3. It has a cute silhouette when on the hanger, but not on you.
4. The material is thin and cheap (plain and simple). The same rules apply to these shoes.
Kimchi Blue Oxford, $58
If UO knows one thing, it’s how to beat a dead horse to the ground. Over and over again. Not only have oxfords been on the scene as long as boyfriend cardigans, but H&M did the same shoe with comparable material. For $30 cheaper. Six months ago. This bastardized version looks like a pair of tap dance shoes, if tap dance shoes were made of polyurethane and served no satisfactory purpose.
Nothing Sacred by Obesity and Speed Sleeveless Patch Hood, $58
I don’t know anyone who would wear this sweater, male or female. It just screams “newbie”. While the design itself appears to be a knockoff from the Prada Men’s F/W 2009 season, it’s the patches that turn your face of question into a face of disgust. One of them says “Blood on Your Hands” with a distressed image of the British flag and a skull. Need I say more? I guess just one more thing; your ‘anarchy’ shoelaces are getting caught in your skateboard trucks.
Kimchi Blue Crochet Back Cardigan, $48
If I ever see another piece of clothing from Urban Outfitters that has a crocheted insert on the back, it’ll be too soon. Wearing a gimmicky thing like this is like opting to keep the tag on your shirt just so everyone can see where it’s from. It’s pretty tacky, definitely in bad taste, and not impressing anyone. We’re not even going to touch the can of worms that is the front of the sweater, much less why this cardigan was one of the “top rated” on the site.
