Photo: via DavidMartynHunt
Step one: So you’re a freshman! You know why the word fresh is in there? Duh, because you’re FRESH. Green. Well. First of all, you must develop an attitude about sex. Ex: “Yeah I’m young and fresh! This is college, bro/girl! Imma take chances and have fun and really like, EXPLORE, you know?”
Step two: Judge everybody as a potential hookup until you have a mental running list of people you’d want to get freaky with. Some people may consider this crude. You consider this honest. This tactic will work out when some friends introduce you to another friend whom they also just met. This person is attractive.
Step two: Judge everybody as a potential hookup until you have a mental running list of people you’d want to get freaky with.
Step three: Start flirting. But like, not too aggressively or anything because it’s still light outside, and class just started, and honestly, nobody’s going to want it if it’s too eager.
Step four: He/she SO digs you. You think? I mean, you exchanged numbers? But also: It IS freshman year. Everybody exchanges numbers with everybody. You don’t even really know half the people in your phone but you added them anyway because college is about EXPLORING and meeting NEW PEOPLE and making NEW FRIENDS and shit.
Step five: Start hanging out with this person. He/she just happened to be on north campus, so why wouldn’t the two of you grab lunch at Sargent? And yeah, you’re flirting but it also feels totally innocent because all your interactions kind of feel like flirtations at this point in the year. Plus, he/she is flirting with everybody else too. You know this because you hang out with him/her so often and so WHAT if it’s only been three weeks, you KNOW this person. Also, you’re still in exploration mode, and if it ain’t happened with this kid yet, who gives a fuck? You take him off the mental list of potential hookups.
Step six: Hookup with an upperclassman at a frat party after being their partner in pong. Rejoice! Your first college hookup. Ha ha! This is the goal, right? It’s pretty good but also kind of weird. You get a ton of hickies like it’s 2003. Later, the upperclassman will hook up with two or three of your friends. You will all laugh but secretly feel slightly uncomfortable about being twat/cock buddies.
Step seven: Since you’re excitedly telling all your friends about your foray into college hookups, also tell your Sargent lunch friend. He/she reacts very strangely. Hm. Weird. You are always very supportive when he/she tells you about THEIR hookups. Geez. You decide not to think about it because now the two of you are Just Friends, and you don’t want to fuck things up.
Step eight: Take your first ever tequila shots to prepare for a registered dance party. Mm! Lime! Salt! Novelty! That’s what college is all about, right? You’re with your Sargent lunch friend because you are always with him/her.
Step nine: Attend the party. Wow, it’s hot! And sweaty. And sexual—or maybe it’s just this particular remix of BSpears? Or maybe it’s how this lunch friend is dancing with me? Friends dance like this, right? Friends make out sometimes, right?
Step ten: Kick your roommate out of your double so that lunch friend and you can continue to aggressively touch each other.
Step ten: Kick your roommate out of your double so that lunch friend and you can continue to aggressively touch each other. This is happening. This is happening? This is happening. You’re not sure if you like it, but you’ve always been attracted to this person and words aren’t really formulating for you anyway so you just go with it because it’s college and college is about just going with it.
Step eleven: Lunch friend wants to have lunch, so have lunch. You know, sans tequila. It suddenly dawns on you that nothing is as you thought it was because this person has feelings for you. It also dawns on you that you have feelings for this person as well. It is now seven weeks into college.
Step twelve: Spend several glorious weeks with lunch friend. Lunch boy/girlfriend? Lunch lover? You’re not quite sure because in the spirit of college, you both decide labels are not necessary. The word “exclusive” gets thrown around, but you’re not quite sure if it meant anything and you definitely don’t want to be the uncool one for bringing it up again. You make out on the lakefill while it’s snowing. It is the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to you.
Step thirteen: Trudge through your first finals week straight into winter break. Talk to your lunch friend on the phone every day. Sometimes he/she is high when this happens, and this annoys you because it’s very difficult to have a conversation with a high person when you are sober. But you miss this person, so you keep having futile phone conversations. Plus, you know you are leaving the country for a family vacation and will not be able to talk on the phone for a week.
Step fourteen: Return to school. You excitedly call up lunch friend but lunch friend does not seem to want to talk. What’s up, friend? What happened? Well, this person just feels differently now, that’s all, and just wants to be friends. Also—it’s not a big deal or anything—but he/she hooked up with somebody else. You feel betrayed. You yell incessantly because you are not sure what else to do. You cry for the same reason. Are you allowed to feel betrayed? Are you allowed to be sad?
Step fifteen: Stop talking to this person. Or keep talking to this person. More importantly, hook up with other people. These hookups may feel meaningless, but that’s okay because you are not yet ready to think about decisions before you make them. Some time will pass, and you will sufficiently get over the strange, confusing pain of lunch friend.
Now rinse and repeat, only with a little bit more caution and a little less greenness. It only gets better from here.
