Greetings, funions. I thought long and hard and deep about what I should focus on for my very first column. It all came down to the question: What am I an expert at? And then it dawned on me. I am the best around, the top dog and the big melty cheese at embarrassing myself. I have an ill amount of street-cred in the Department of Humiliating Behavior. So I figured I could—and should—share my wisdom with you, Sir Reader of Northwestern, to keep you from disgracing yourself. Keep in mind, I have done all these don’ts and lived, so don’t feel too sad if you’re eating a bagel in class right now while simultaneously signaling your crush with jazz hands.
1) Don’t bring food to class. Look, don’t point the Twinkie of blame at me on this one. I know it’s not fair, but I didn’t make the rules. Society did. Society made it unacceptable for me to enjoy an industrial-sized bag of Ruffles—made up of equal parts cheddary goodness, sour cream flavoring, and desperation—in the middle of my American history lecture. To avoid social ostracism, I recommend eating during socially recognized meal times instead of slowly squeezing open a squeaky bag of Lay’s and arranging a sad little brunch behind an open laptop in class. Your classmates, especially the judge-y girl who sits in front of you with the perfect hair, will thank you. P.S. No eating on Sheridan, either; it gives off a lonesome and abandoned vibe.
2) Don’t text on the treadmill. You will fall. You will fall hard and you will slam into the wall behind you and no one will offer to help you except for one elderly woman with abs like Channing Tatum’s.
3) When approached by someone you’re interested in, do not dance “in a funny way.” You will have plenty of time to impress said Person Of Interest with your spontaneity, fun personality, and goofy sense of humor. I promise, there will come a time when you can both do the catch-and-release fish move without feeling weird. But it is not this day. Coming from a seasoned man-repeller: I suggest leaving the spirit fingers, running man and Carlton dance at home. Instead, remember Your Questions
Every week I will answer three reader submitted questions. So put those philosophical thinking caps on and e-mail your questions to cally@nuintel.net.
When eating my feelings, how many cookies are too many cookies?
I’ll answer your question with a question. Are we talking about eating your feelings after the return of a harshly-graded middy? A screening of The Notebook? A break-up? Depending on the scenario, my best guesstimate ranges between a sleeve of Chips Ahoy! to an entire package of Oreo cookies accompanied by a gallon of two percent.
What distance between yourself and others while standing under a heat lamp at an El stop optimizes both personal space and warmth gained from their body heat?
I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re both wearing puffer coats, which provides a nice buffer between humans (I call it the Puffer Buffer). That said, leaving about one foot of space between you and others totally creates potential for a symbiotic relationship concerning body warmth.
What is the best candy?
Smarties. Smarties are the best candy.
Ta ta for now
Cally- this is the tits! I love it.
Can you write every day? K thanks.
love youuuuuu