Ah, fraternity rush is upon us yet again and hoards of eager freshman boys are trying to impress their (hopefully) future brothers by showcasing their glowing personalities and unparalleled drinking abilities. But rush week is not just about how you can impress your dream frat, but how said frat can impress you. Yes, frats provide kickin’ parties and swanky Sunday night dinners to draw in newbies, but you can never underestimate the power of the written word. Check out the compelling rhetoric frat chapters use to attract their pledge classes after the jump.
AEPi
“Looking for the ultimate Jewish experience? Look no further.”
Wouldn’t “the ultimate Jewish experience” be traveling to Israel or something? They are right though. Jersey Shore themed parties and AEPoker Nights are close enough to visiting the Promised Land.
DU
“The concept of there being a specific ‘frat type of guy’ doesn’t really exist (and, therefore, everyone can be a “frat guy”).”
Wait, anyone can chug cheap beer, attend uncreative themed parties, and do the occasional act of community service? We thought that lifestyle was reserved for only the Northwestern elite.
Phi Delt
“In Greek organizations, the biggest is not always the best.”
We wouldn’t go around broadcasting this, boys. But at least the ladies — or gentlemen (we don’t discriminate) — you’ll be bringing home won’t be disappointed with what you have to offer.
SAE
“With a minimum GPA requirement and a stimulating intellectual environment, Sigma Alpha Epsilon motivates its members to excel within the classroom.”
Yes, a dimly lit room packed with sorostitutes and beer pong tables is certainly a stimulating intellectual environment.
Evans Scholars
“We cherish the ability to set aside pleasurable activities until the necessary ones are accomplished.”
Isn’t golf a major part of being an Evans Scholar? In which case, isn’t golf one of the most unnecessary and time-consuming leisure activities?
Lambda Chi
“Every man a man.”
Oh we’re sorry, because we thought Lambda Chi was full of zucchinis.
Delta Chi
“The newly-remodeled Delta Chi house is regal and elegant.”
Don’t worry. It only gets more pretentious as the chapter reveals it resides in Northwestern’s former presidential mansion, which includes a 60-inch, 3D-capable TV and boasts the “the cleanest fraternity kitchen on Northwestern’s campus.”
ZBT
“A Greek letter organization has aptly been called a ‘one stop shop’ for any and all opportunities a college man could want.”
In all honesty, we want to poke fun at this one but we can’t.The life of a fratstar really has it all: free booze, parties, awesome dinners, friends, and girls. Oh, wait, they actually pay for all of that, right?
