This week’s person you ought to know—a freshman who hooks up to R. Kelly and thinks Professor Gary Saul Morson would be a good lover.
What tops your hook up playlist?
I’m not sure if it’s a sexy song but Ignition Remix by R. Kelly has got to be the best.
What tops your college bucket list?
I want to wake up in my underwear next to a statue and not know how I got there.
If you could room with any fictional character, who would it be?
Barney Stinson. It’s not even a question, he would be the world’s best wingman and we could alternate nights with sexiling each other.
When you were 5, what did you want to be when you were 20?
I was really unrealistic. I wanted to be a car.
What’s a deal breaker?
My deal breaker is when a girl is hairy. If you have more hair than a guy, that’s not okay.
Who’s the hottest professor at Northwestern?
Morson. He can look into your soul and can just understand everything about you. He would make a pretty good lover.
What is your biggest TV guilty pleasure?
During August when everyone was at school, I binged on Yu-Gi-Oh. I watched two full seasons in like two weeks.
What is the worst thing that could happen on a date?
She has a penis.
What invention would the world be better off without, and why?
There’s a type of toilet in Japan that talks to you. That scares the shit out of you and not in a good way.
What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re by yourself?
I like to sing to myself a lot. I go around campus just singing Elton John or Maroon 5 maybe.
If you could balance on a tightrope, over what landscape would you walk?
I would say the Grand Canyon. I’m from Arizona so I would be a god to half the state.
How do you feel about Wednesday?
Hate it. You’re just in limbo.
Make a bold prediction.
My bold prediction is that Morty will slap the mayor of Evanston across the face within the next two years.
Which song has the most number of plays in your iTunes library?
Recently, Ignition Remix by R. Kelly. That has nothing to do with the answer to the first question.
