This week’s person you ought to know—a junior who fears Chet Hanks will steal his thunder and wants to bring Noah Cyrus—Miley’s little sister—to Dillo Day.
Junior | Weinberg | Ravis (aka crack den/den of meth)
What’s your vice of choice?
Gotta be meth. Lots and lots of meth because those essays don’t write themselves. Gotta stay up late, gotta work hard, gotta do some meth.
What do you go downtown for?
Sex. And the ability to skip in public without being scorned upon and judged by the townies who I vehemently hate.
What tops your hook up playlist?
The entire Beauty and the Beast soundtrack. Oh, but one time I was hooking up with someone and I left my playlist on shuffle. In the middle of this really sensual moment, that really famous song from My Fair Lady with Julie Andrews came on. We continued on while the entire song played and it was great. Absolutely great.
What’s your greatest irrational fear?
That Chet Hanks will steal my thunder. He’s a clever little kid and he’s got his wits about him. I think he’ll out do me soon.
What’s the one place besides your room you go to be alone?
The bathroom in the basement of Fisk. I go there a lot. And the roof of Einstein’s.
What tops your college bucket list?
I, one day, would like to get a nose job and pledge Theta. That’s my top.
If you could room with any fictional character, who would it be?
I would like to room with Linda Ellerbee because I like lesbians and she seems like she really knows what she’s doing. Also, she seems quiet and studious.
Who do you think Northwestern’s biggest campus celebrity is?
Definitely Colin Glitterwolf because I’ve seen him in his underwear, and it’s not pretty.
What do you read for pleasure?
I like to mix it up and throw some Dostoevsky in with some Chelsea Handler and then throw some Spenser’s The Faerie Queene and then some Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging. I like to keep myself well read.
What is the Tea Party?
The Tea Party is a little place in my soul. I visit it when times get tough.
What’s your deal breaker?
Boot cut jeans. It’s the trend that stopped in 2003 and it just looks bad. Stop shopping at Hollister, Northwestern, it’s dead, go away.
What turns you on?
Barry Manilow and dick jokes.
Who headlines your Dream Dillo day?
It would be headlined by both Noah Cyrus, Miley’s younger sister, the entire cast of The Little Mermaid musical and the entire chorus from Sister Act.
never have i hated anybody more from an internet blurb than i do at this very moment, trying to be funny and so, *so* pretentious.