All of these security alerts Northwestern students have received recently are enough to make anyone nervous. Sure, nothing can be done about those people “self-gratifying” in SPAC, but what about all the thefts? Take matters into your own hands and check out our oh-so-helpful tips on how to not get robbed after the jump.
Use the buddy system—even at 2 in the afternoon apparently
It’s the first thing you learned in swimming and (hopefully) the first thing you learned from your parents when you departed for school. But lets be honest, 2 p.m.? Who really needs a buddy at 2 p.m.? Apparently Northwestern students.
Get a cheap watch from Target and wear that to tell time
You’ve got your Michael Kors, Marc, and Nixon watches. Sure you could wear one of those as you head to North campus, but bitches see gold and they’ll swarm. Avoid this by grabbing a $20 alternative from Target. At least that thief who grabbed it off your wrist will get home and realize it’s worthless. Added plus: you won’t feel as guilty telling your parents that it was stolen.
Leave the iPhone in darkest crevices of your backpack
From the rash of recent robberies we’ve learned one (fairly obvious) thing: iPhones are a hot commodity. Leave that thing in your backpack! If your headphones are plugged into a Zune (do they still make those?), the thieves that walk away with your stuff will be ashamed to flaunt their acquisition.
If you think someone is following you, act crazy
As soon as you notice some creepy dude following exactly five feet behind you, taking every turn you do, there’s only one option left: act insane. Scream, flail your arms, zigzag if you have to—just do whatever it takes. Mind games: How very Northwestern of you.
Rob them back
Someone pops up behind you on Foster trying to grab your bag? Why not pay it forward and get that sucker back. While they lunge after your things, use the moment to go after theirs, grabbing their wallet, phone or even sunglasses. Revenge has never felt so sweet.
Learn some kickboxing at SPAC
This is one of the “free” perks that NU offers. Take advantage and learn some self-defense. It will surely come in handy, should a would-be thief approach.
Self-defecate
Embarrassing? Yes. Useful? Yes. Who wants to rob someone that just shit themselves? Not us.
Run, duh.
Brandishing a weapon is surely scary, but really? Girl, please. Who will run after you? Show some initiative and run. If nothing else, at least you’ll outrun your buddy (see above).
Get yourself some pepper spray
Sure, you’ll look like every other overly anxious girl with your little pink pepper spray canister on your key chain but safety first, right? No crook is going to want to face that but for even more of a fear factor, why not go all out and get yourself a taser? We’re sure daddy wouldn’t mind you carrying one all around campus.
Find a large, vicious dog—preferably rabid
You might love a friendly corgi. We sure do. But have you ever met a dog that has rabies? Well, we haven’t, but we’ve read To Kill a Mockingbird and that chapter was really fucking scary. Train him well and you and your Blackberry will survive to BBM another day.
