Kafein, home of the Monday night open mic.
Photo: Cheeky Chicago
Kafein’s weekly open mic night offers the opportunity for the artsy among us to showcase their talents—a term we’re using loosely—in music, comedy and writing. Although some (okay, just one) of the acts we witnessed could have a potentially promising future, the rest of the performers at least had the entertainment factor down. The most cringe-worthy moments of the night (“What would it look like if a machine had unprotected sex with a pastry?”), after the jump.
9:55 p.m. After a comedy set that completely flopped, a performer dressed in an oversized button-up blue shirt and a brown-checkered hat walks by our table and says, “No more drinking before shows.” We couldn’t agree more. Equating UFC fight nights with a Nazi nightclub not only isn’t funny, but doesn’t make sense.
10:02 p.m. A new comedian, a 21-year-old with minimal experience with members of the opposite sex, says, “I bet there’s no girl in here who has peed standing up.” A girl in the back of the room excitedly exclaims, “I have.” We’ll flag this as TMI. Some things are better left unsaid.
10:07 p.m. The third comedian of the night quickly lets us know that he’s high, and starts musing about Hostess treats. “Can you imagine scientists thinking, ‘What would it look like if a machine had unprotected sex with a pastry?’” No. No, we can’t.
10:13 p.m. A musical duo hits the stage. The girl begins playing a kazoo while her male counterpart, Eskimo-like winter hat on head, strums the guitar. Halfway through the first song the two forget the lyrics—though they seem to consist of the words “all I care about is celebrity,” repeated over and over again. Clearly, it’s our cue to leave.
