The world of admitted-students groups on Facebook is a bizarre one, with its own cryptic language and delineated roles. There’s the well-meaning creeper who’s just looking for a roommate, and then there’s That Kid whose trail of inane comments will haunt him until commencement. In the month since Northwestern has released regular-admission decisions, certain superstars have already emerged from the Class of 2014 group.
The Self-Promoting Upperclassman
A certain Purple Book author on said book:
Ultimately you’ll define your NU experience, but this book could definitely help make a difference.
Okay, this isn’t really an archetype, just an asshole. This entrepreneur is so hell-bent on turning his failed business venture into something that resembles success that he exploits the insecurities and confusion of incoming freshmen. He teases the high school seniors with priceless information on dorms, fake IDs, and (gasp!) Greek life. Added bonus? So that the prospies don’t have to wait until September to actually learn about the school, he has set up a handy Amazon listing for the book, replete with real reviews written by his friends and fraternity brothers.
The Prude Roommate
In response to a question asking members what they would like their roommates to have/be:
Sexually inactive. I have a fear of being regularly sexiled.
This kid’s priorities are seriously screwy, and she doesn’t even know it. Of all roommate concerns to have (and they are many, and they are grave), why sexual activity? That’s just sad. This kid can usually be seen in the periodicals section of the library on a Friday night, trying to justify it as the cool place to be at that time (woefully, it’s not so inaccurate). If housing superstitions hold true, she will indeed end up with a more, err, sexually open member of the class of 2014, causing her to immediately request a dorm change and leaving said slut in the uniquely gratifying position of living in a dingle-cum-sex-den. At that point, her ex-roomie can probably be found at her new residence: Hobart House.
The “Cool” CA
In response to a post discouraging freshmen from living in Foster-Walker:
woahman. avoid foster walker? i’m CA’ing a freshman floor there next year. so if you guys land in my jurisdiction… party err’ynight. :] legally, of course. root beer floats all arounnnd.
This kid attempts to lay down the law while acknowledging that doing so sucks. He’s essentially the CA version of Amy Poehler’s memorable “cool mom” in Mean Girls, trying way too hard to be liked and fit in. Prior to the arrival of freshmen on new-student week, he will print out signs for everyone’s room with images of Disney princesses or Pokémon on them, in a lame attempt to be retro-chic. Undeterred by the nonplussed stares of said freshmen, he will plan creatively themed munchies with games of Catchphrase and Two Truths and a Lie throughout the rest of the year.
The Preemptive Gaming-on-Freshmen-Girls Manslut
i like the spanish being thrown in there
i love mixing in a spanish word in here and there. quite fun – and amusing to see peoples’ reactions. so just curious, what is it that brings you to Medill?
This character flirts with girls over Facebook by acting as the experienced current student. He gives tips about NU life, has a tendency to casually throw in crazy memories from The Keg, talks about how totally awesome Bobb Hall is, and hypes Dillo Day, despite the fact that, as a freshman, he has yet to experience it. Our question is, what happens next? Is he going to meet up with her on new-student week and discuss their mutual love of Spanglish? Sexual.
The Silvka Hater
If you want a place where you can study and still have a whole lot of fun then try out Ayers CCI. The rooms are really large, all new furniture and carpeting, and we have a/c. Since CCI is filled with engineers who are social, people always work together. Befriending other engineers is a highly important decision. There is also nothing wrong with living at Elder and Bobb-McCullough, especially if you are interested in frat rushing and just chilling. Whats really important is that Slivka sucks.
This kid makes himself feel better by bringing down those around him. Got stuck in Ayers CCI? No sweat—just distract everyone from the social suicide you’ve been forced into by turning the attention to Slivka’s supposed crappiness. The Ayers resident can often be seen in Ford, discussing how Ayers is soooo underrated and secretly the coolest dorm on campus. He’s also an active participant in Ayers vs. Slivka snowball and water-balloon fights. Can’t let those Slivka nerds step on your turf!
The Overzealous Journo
Medill. Deferred from ED. OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
A particularly entertaining character, the soon-to-be Medilldo is in for a rude awakening. He will be the one whose wardrobe consists entirely of Northwestern apparel (and a Medill t-shirt or two), who wears his keys on a lanyard and is under the mistaken impression that Medill will be a beautiful, cushy learning experience that fosters creativity and intellect. He can usually be found in Periodicals or at a meeting for one of the 15 clubs/publications/dance troupes that he signed up for.
The Womp-Womp Reject
I got rejected =( So goodbye group. It was fun while it lasted, lol.
This kid has the audacity to join the Facebook group of a college to which he hasn’t been accepted. He has a habit of friending every person in the group, making things even more awkward when they have to defriend him weeks later. He then awkwardly writes on the wall to make sure that all 8,000+ members know he didn’t get in, just so, you know, they don’t wonder where he is come September.
The Sorority Gripers
Sorority girl (who holds up her house’s letters in her profile picture):
You might read things about the sororities on websites or from people, but honestly during rush, you will see which houses YOU like and the kind of people that are like you. Don’t make any decisions based on what other people think or because you want to be in a “top 3 sorority.”
Unaffiliated freshman male:
kappa, theta, tri-delt.
The sorority girl is best known for trying to make her chapter look as desirable as possible while slyly putting down other houses. She disguises her pettiness as “advice.” She can be found walking down Sheridan, carrying her sorority bag, wearing her sorority hat and t-shirt, talking to her sorority sisters. The freshman boy, on the other hand, finds great joy in poking fun at Greek life. He can be found sitting in the quad during recruitment, laughing as PNMs in heels face-plant in the snow.
The Status Seeker
OH MY GOD STORY OF MY LIFE. I’m so tired of people asking me if I’m going to community college by tacoma. Seriously, it makes me so, so angry. People are so ignorant. It like hurts my ego when people get more excited about people going to WSU than me going to a big school. rant. shoooooot. sorry. hahah but yes i feel you.
This kid will be the one setting the curve in your econ class, not because she’s particularly good at econ or even cares about it, but because she possesses an overwhelming, vexing need to be the best. She will know the exact number of people who applied to NU this year and the average SAT score and GPA of those accepted. She will be sure to tell you about her uncle, the Senator, and she will refuse to leave college without snagging herself a husband with whom she can jointly invest in a second house in the Hamptons.
The North/South Campus Assholes
North Campus kid:
Anyone who is hating on Bobb-McCulloch, not McCullough I might add, has likely never lived in Bobb. Hands down it’s the greatest dorm on campus. To those who say you can’t get any work done in your room, that is likely just ignorance due to not having lived in Bobb or a severe case of ADD. If you want to have a social life, do NOT live on South Campus. If you absolutely must live on South Campus, live in Allison. Elder is okay, but is just all freshmen and has strict CAs. Bobb has shitty rooms and appliances, but it’s college. Who gives a fuck? If you really need good shit in a dorm room, go somewhere else. We don’t want you to come here if you’re a stuck up, high maintenance little prick.
South Campus kid:
The ignorance card goes both ways because the people on south campus do have social lives. We’re always at the keg, the frats, and off-campus house parties. There are just as many drunk beligerent people on the weekend as up north. Don’t read into all of the stereotypes people are trying to perpetuate. It is because of those stereotypes that most of the people trying to get into Bobb get shafted by housing and end up placed in “anti-social” dorms and then the rest of us who didn’t get shafted have to listen to people bitch and moan about not getting in to any of their choices. If you have to rely on the people who live around you to make friends and have a social life and are incapable of branching out and making friends elsewhere, then you’ll have a hard time.
Despite their different geographical locations, North and South Campus kids are actually very similar. Both feel the constant urge to talk about how much better their side is, as if everyone around them is also seriously engaged in the old-hat NU turf war. They can be seen wearing their totes clever dorm shirts on a regular basis and meeting with Res Life officials about that crrrazy pregame they threw the other week.
Wait, I can smash water balloons at Slivkans too!?!? Awesome!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for calling out Cody. It really is surprising about the Amazon reviews; you would think his friends and fraternity brothers would perhaps make fake accounts with fake names when posting reviews, as opposed to using their real names and allowing anyone here to put two and two together.
http://www.chron.org/?p=760
So it would have been more respectable if people made fake names when commenting?
i’m not on this, but writing this is a huge turn off to incoming freshman. so people are excited about college? who gives a shit? let them be happy. we all got into a great school and if you have to bash them to feel better that’s just as sad.
Well this incoming freshman is going to be annoying as balls.
“This kid makes himself feel better by bringing down those around him.”
My irony sensor is beeping.
[...] The 10 dumbest comments on the Class of 2014 Facebook group [...]